While NPD is characterised by a lack of empathy, this doesn't necessarily translate to a complete absence of moral capacity. Research suggests that individuals with NPD may understand moral concepts intellectually, even if they struggle to apply them emotionally.
The short answer is yes, narcissists absolutely can change.
It's not impossible, but it is statistically improbable in certain instances.
The thing about narcissistic personality disorder is that many of the people who are living with it are not only solution-unaware, but they're also problem-unaware.
Many people on the more severe end of the narcissistic spectrum are often stuck in a cycle of justifying their behaviours, believing that the ends justify the means.
But if the choices taken to get one’s needs met involves manipulation and creates trauma within another human, then the ends definitely do not justify the means.
But a narcissist is rarely able to see it this way.
And given that's the type of belief system which is at play, it's going to take a tremendous amount of self awareness and effort to overcome the conditioning that's been created in order for a narcissist to truly comprehend the damage their actions cause to others.
Because what the narcissist fears more than anything else is the shame of acknowledging the impact of their action, having to face that they’re bad or wrong.
And that's what makes narcissistic recovery so difficult.
Again, it's not impossible, but it's very difficult to achieve. Narcissists can change. But it’s going to take a great deal of willpower to do so.
The Impact of NPD on Relationships and Daily Life
Now, it's not a terrible thing to put our needs at the centre of the world.
We should all do that in measured amounts, and we should all definitely look after our own interests. Our needs matter and we should tend to them.
We require our presence and self-care.
But in narcissistic individuals, whether it be grandiose, a victimised expression, a communal expression, or otherwise, this tendency to meet one’s needs is often overblown and leads to an uncontrollable tendency towards attention seeking.
In grandiose narcissists, this can often lead to a very outward seeking of recognition and admiration, which can be very apparent.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, a victimised or vulnerable narcissist may seek attention through portraying themselves as wrong or misunderstood.
Key impacts on different areas of life:
Personal:
Difficulty maintaining long-term relationships
Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom
Fragile self-esteem masked by grandiosity
Social:
Strained friendships due to lack of empathy
Difficulty in collaborative environments
Tendency to exploit others for personal gain
Professional:
Challenges with authority and criticism
Difficulty working in team settings
Potential for workplace conflicts
Can a narcissist ever live a normal life? Challenges and possibilities
A narcissist’s version of normal is very different from the idea of normal of someone who isn’t on the spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder.
A narcissist's idea of normal is continuing on with their behaviours unchallenged and having their narcissistic supply met with relative ease.
But the thing is, that's not normal, because that type of relationship isn't proper relational exchange. It's an extraction, which is exactly the type of behaviour narcissists engage in within many of their relational dynamics.
They extract what they want and oftentimes leave behind a human that's extremely damaged and traumatised.
Again, that's not normal if we're talking about what's generally considered to be acceptable in a relational sense.
Normal in the context of having healthy relations is being in a mutually respectful - and if it's a romantic connection - loving relationship.
Normal is listening to the other person's hopes, dreams, and desires.
Not just to sit through them, but to regard them as just as important as their own.
‘Normal’ is ceasing to view relationships as a battleground for getting one's needs met and instead coming to a relationship from the perspective of asking what can be given rather than what can be taken.
Challenges | Possibilities |
Difficulty forming genuine connections | Developing self-awareness through therapy |
Tendency to exploit others | Learning empathy and perspective-taking skills |
Inability to accept criticism | Improving emotional regulation |
Chronic dissatisfaction | Achieving career stability through improved interpersonal skills |
Isolation and relationship instability | Building more stable and fulfilling relationships |
Can a Narcissist Truly Love Someone? Examining Emotional Capacity in NPD
This is a question that's really difficult to answer.
Because on the one hand, a narcissist can absolutely show displays of affection.
Love bombing proves that point. However, Love bombing is not really love.
It might look like love, it might even sound and feel like love. But it’s so agenda-driven that can you honestly say that it qualifies as true love? No. Not even close.
That doesn’t mean the capacity for love isn’t there.
All humans have the capacity for love. The thing is, narcissistic love is part of the cycle of ideation and devaluation. And that form of cyclical agenda-based giving is a learned response that lacks empathy and real presence.
It’s not genuine. At least, in a lot of instances. It’s conditional. To be taken away at a moment's notice.
However, it is entirely possible for narcissists to develop a certain level of emotional attachment towards the people that they’re in connection with.
But… that emotional attachment is based on whether the individual in question is able to meet their needs and desires.
There might be a sense of longing for more. But that longing isn’t rooted in mutual exchange or bonding. It’s purely about getting what they want.
Oftentimes, at all costs. This is the change in behaviour we’re talking about here. For a narcissist to truly love, it needs to come from the heart.
To be unconditional and without expectancy.
Neurotypical Love | Narcissistic Love |
Focus on mutual growth and support | Focus on self-enhancement and self-promotion |
Empathy and concern for partner's well-being | Limited empathy, partner seen as source of admiration |
Willingness to compromise | Difficulty compromising or considering partner's needs |
Emotional intimacy and vulnerability | Superficial connections, fear of vulnerability |
Long-term commitment | Difficulty maintaining long-term relationships |
Can you successfully live with a narcissist? Strategies for partners and family members
Successfully living with a narcissist does not mean you accommodate their behaviours and make excuses for them.
If you choose to be in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist, whether it be interpersonal, or romantic it needs to be done with an understanding that they are aware of their condition and open to change.
Here are some of the key areas that need to be locked in:
Educate yourself about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):
Learn about NPD symptoms and characteristics
Understand how NPD impacts relationships
Recognise common manipulation tactics used by narcissists
Read reputable books and articles on NPD
Join support groups for partners of narcissists
Consult with a mental health professional familiar with NPD
Set and maintain clear boundaries:
Communicate your limits clearly and consistently
Use "I" statements when expressing boundaries
Be prepared to enforce consequences for boundary violations
Stay firm in the face of manipulation attempts
Document incidents of boundary violations
Have a safety plan ready in case of escalating conflicts
Prioritise self-care and personal well-being:
Maintain a support network outside the relationship
Engage in personal hobbies and interests
Consider individual therapy for emotional support
Practice mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques
Strive for financial independence if possible
Regularly assess your own mental and emotional well-being
Develop coping strategies:
Learn to recognise and respond to narcissistic behaviours
Practise emotional detachment when necessary
Develop conflict resolution skills
Build resilience through self-affirmation and positive self-talk
Continuously reassess the relationship:
Evaluate the impact of the relationship on your well-being
Set personal goals and boundaries for the relationship
Be prepared to make difficult decisions if the situation doesn't improve
The Potential for Change in Narcissistic Personality Disorder
How Can a Narcissist Change? Self-Awareness and Motivation
The first hurdle the narcissist needs to be overcome is the acceptance of their behaviour towards others. This means developing a great sense of self-awareness. And in short, becoming problem aware.
Finally admitting that the problem might be their actions.
And this is where recovery becomes difficult, to the extent that most narcissists never even get this far. Because it forces them to look at their past, which means sitting not only with all of the things they’ve done to others.
But also the trauma that’s led them to act the way they do.
This surfaces a massive amount of shame. And for the narcissist on the severe end of the spectrum, this can feel almost unbearable.
But it’s this shame that must be overcome for there to be true change.
This is typically rooted in early childhood experiences or trauma, which may include neglect, abuse, or inconsistent parenting.
These experiences are what’s referred to as “core wounding,” which, with narcissists, creates a belief system that they’re fundamentally flawed, unlovable, or not good enough.
And so, to protect against experiencing these beliefs on a conscious level, those with NPD will often develop a false sense of self.
In the case of grandiose narcissism, this acts as a protective shield, projecting an image of superiority and invulnerability that allows the narcissist to bypass the trauma and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
For a narcissist to change, it requires developing a deep expression of emotional courage, a real sense of emotional intelligence that will allow them to process these painful aspects of their past.
This involves:
Building emotional resilience to tolerate shame without resorting to defensive behaviours
Developing self-compassion to counter the harsh inner critic
Learning to separate past trauma from present reality
Gradually exposing themselves to vulnerability in safe, therapeutic settings
Can You Help a Narcissist Change? Supporting a Loved One's Recovery Journey
It’s entirely possible to help a narcissist change their behaviours.
But it should always be done with the understanding that any help offered is done so as support only. It should never come down to one individual in connection with the narcissist to shoulder the responsibility of changing the narcissist.
It undermines the recovery process and would potentially enable the narcissist tendencies, especially in the case of vulnerable/victimised narcissists.
Change needs to come from the will of the narcissist.
It needs to come from them taking accountability. It’s up to them to learn how to make better choices.
And yes, this can be done in connection.
Because that will be the ultimate proving ground of whether true change has been made. But it should not be at the expense of another’s well-being, stretching them beyond their capacity. Or, in an expression of bypassing responsibility.
Here's a list of do's and don'ts:
Do's:
Validate feelings while challenging problematic behaviours
Set and maintain clear boundaries
Encourage professional help
Practise patience and consistency
Model healthy relationship behaviours
Don'ts:
Enable narcissistic behaviours
Engage in arguments or power struggles
Expect immediate or dramatic changes
Neglect your own well-being
Take responsibility for their actions or emotions
Can a narcissist change for the right woman (or partner)?
Attachment driven motivation can play a significant role in the healing process for narcissists.
But in order for a partner to be a proper support in the healing process, it needs to be a very specific type of individual.
Anyone who might be a catalyst for a narcissist to change needs to represent a secure attachment figure.
But at the same time, they also need to be incredibly secure in themselves to see past the toxic behaviours that characterise the most challenging parts of the condition.
A partner who’s able to stand in their own power, and has good communication skills would be able to mirror back to the narcissist some of the impact of their behaviours without triggering the toxic shame that would see them shut down and dissociate from the connection until the apparent danger has subsided.
In this context, it would allow the narcissist to receive the empathy they require to break some of their old patterning.
But perhaps more importantly, it would give them the opportunity to practise empathy themselves by expressing genuine remorse for their actions.
This in turn, would open the way for forgiveness and begin to soften some of the defences that have been built up due to past traumas.
Over time, this can help a narcissist create powerful frame shifts, both in how they view themselves and others , so a new, more positive self-image can take root.
One which is rooted in a secure base script of being able to both give and receive love with no strings attached.
Potential positive impacts of a healthy relationship:
Increased motivation for self-reflection and change
Opportunities to practise empathy and perspective-taking
Development of more realistic self-perceptions
Improved emotional regulation skills
Potential for identity reconstruction
⚠️ Warning: While relationships can play a role in facilitating change, it's important to emphasize that change in NPD is a complex, long-term process that requires professional intervention and a genuine commitment from the individual with NPD. Partners should not take on the role of therapist or sacrifice their own well-being in the process.
The Recovery Process: Strategies and Actionable Insights
Can a narcissist change with therapy? Exploring treatment options
For those who are on the severe end of the NPD spectrum, therapy isn’t just an option, it’s absolutely vital to any successful recovery process.
Healing severe narcissism in isolation is extremely challenging.
There needs to be a strong structure of accountability in place and someone who’s able to reflect back what the narcissist is sharing in a non-judgmental expression.
Here are some of the core therapeutic approaches which have shown proven results:
Therapy Approach | Key Features | Benefits |
Schema-Focused Therapy (SFT) | Addresses early maladaptive schemas | Reduces personality disorder symptoms, improves quality of life |
Mentalisation-Based Treatment (MBT) | Enhances understanding of mental states | Improves empathy, reduces interpersonal difficulties |
Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP) | Uses therapeutic relationship to address patterns | Reduces narcissistic features, improves overall functioning |
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) | Focuses on emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness | Manages some narcissistic traits, improves distress tolerance |
Metacognitive Interpersonal Therapy (MIT) | Targets difficulty in understanding mental states | Improves self-reflection and interpersonal functioning |
Can a narcissist change without therapy? Self-help techniques and their limitations
It entirely depends on the severity of the narcissism in question.
For those who only have narcissistic tendencies and are very aware of their behaviours and are committed to change, it would be much easier for them to self-direct their healing.
But in the case of extreme narcissism, it might be more difficult.
However, that doesn’t mean that these self-help techniques are useless per sé. It’s more the case that they should be viewed as part of a greater strategy of recovery instead of the primary means of healing
Potential Self-Help Techniques | Limitations |
Mindfulness practices | Difficulty in consistent engagement |
Empathy-building exercises | May lack depth without professional guidance |
Journaling for self-reflection | Risk of reinforcing narcissistic patterns |
Cognitive restructuring techniques | Challenging to implement without oversight |
Emotional regulation strategies | May not address core narcissistic traits |
References
Vater, A., Ritter, K., Strunz, S., Ronningstam, E. F., Renneberg, B., & Roepke, S. (2014). Stability of narcissistic personality disorder: Tracking categorical and dimensional rating systems over a two-year period. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 5(3), 305–313. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fper0000058
Diamond, D., Yeomans, F., & Keefe, J. R. (2021). Transference-Focused Psychotherapy for Pathological Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (TFP-N). Psychodynamic Psychiatry, 49(2), 244-272. https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/pdps.2021.49.2.244
Keller, P. S., Blincoe, S., Gilbert, L. R., Dewall, C. N., Haak, E. A., & Widiger, T. (2014). Narcissism in romantic relationships: A dyadic perspective. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 33(1), 25-50. https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.1.25
Zeigler-Hill, V., & Marcus, D. K. (2016). The dark side of personality: Science and practice in social, personality, and clinical psychology. American Psychological Association. https://psycnet.apa.org/PsycBOOKS/toc/14854
Day, N. J., Bourke, M. E., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. (2019). Pathological narcissism: A study of burden on partners and family. Journal of Personality Disorders, 33(11), 1-15. https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/pedi_2019_33_413
Ronningstam, E. (2017). Intersect between self-esteem and emotion regulation in narcissistic personality disorder - implications for alliance building and treatment. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 4, 3. https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40479-017-0054-8
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